What if? Naruto, AU edition (AU)
by JasonEpsilon725
Summary: Out of all the ways a story could go, who's to say it happened a certain way? ...Well, a writer, but that's not the point. (A series of Naruto AUs summed up in one chapter per universe. Sometimes comedic, sometimes sad, sometimes awesome... Though it seems Madara just can't catch a break.)
1. Kakashi Shin-den

"Kakashi..." A young Rin said, the Three-Tails within her. "They sealed the Three-Tails within me..."

"Alright..." An equally young Kakashi said. "I know what I must do."

"Good." Rin said.

Kakashi began the handseals for his Chidori.

"...What are you doing?" Rin asked. "Those aren't the handseals for the Summoning Jutsu."

"Why would I need that?" Kakashi asked, lightning starting to generate around his hand.

"The Chidori?! Kakashi, wait!" Rin shouted. "Turn that off, summon the fastest dog summon you've got, and send for help!"

Kakashi stared blankly for a few moments, and then shook his hand, shaking away the lightning chakra as if it was water. He quickly went along with her plan, amazed he didn't come up with it herself.

Soon, his fastest dog was summoned and sent off to find their Sensei. Rin's new Tailed Beast did not escape in this time because it was supposed to go off when she got to Konoha, not escape somewhere along the way, so they had a significant amount of time. And since The Fourth Hokage was, well, The Fourth Hokage, it wasn't long before he'd gotten to his students, put a Hirashin tag on Rin, and sent her to a secure location where she could be cared for by the village's best seal experts. It was a small base... bunker... thing, stocked with soldiers and medics. The seal experts, on the other hand, were brought with Minato when he made a quick stop at Konoha to get them.

When that Tailed Beast escaped, it barely got a moment to breathe before it was sealed within her, with a better seal, similar to the one that would later be used on Naruto.

This resulted in Rin becoming a badass Jinchuriki, and Obito's crush on her only grew. She wasn't just an awesome, nice and sweet girl any more- Well, she was, but now she had a totally awesome power-up to use when things got dangerous. Besides, he was pretty sure that even the end of the world couldn't change his crush on her.

Speaking of Obito...

"...Huh." Obito said, stopping in a forest, still wearing that Zetsu body like a coat, still seeing everything through Kakashi's eye, the one that was once his.

Zetsu paused, realising that he wasn't sure what to do now either.

"Well, uh... Back to the Village, I guess." Obito shrugged, turning and heading back to the Hidden Leaf Village. "Man, I hope Rin's okay."

His new Zetsu body boosted his combat effectiveness by an absurd degree, meaning that in a strange sort of way, Kakashi was now the weakest one in the group. Obito kept rubbing this in Kakashi's face, driving him to finally acknowledge his rivalry with Might Guy in the desire to become stronger. This, along with Minato setting up a daily rotating battle arena tourney thing, mainly for the benefit of Kakashi and Obito, allowed also those two to copy a large number of Jutsus. Yamato and Obito ended up training together and practicing their wood jutsus together, and Rin received all the help and support (And training) she needed to be a badass Jinchuriki. Also, because she's nice, she befriended her Tailed Beast, and unlocked Tailed Beast Mode.

In any case, with a Jinchuriki, a Kakashi under an insane regime of training, and whatever Obito was all together and now on the front lines of the war, as well as the legendary badass that was the Fourth Hokage, the Leaf Village was able to win the war in record times, and the total surrender of Iwa was the only thing that stopped Leaf from crushing them all together.

And so, one of the greatest tragedies ever was turned into something that was actually pretty cool. And when Naruto was born, he was beloved by all as the Hokage's son, and though the adoration of the public was hollow, the friendships he made with fellow Jinchuriki Rin and his new rival Sasuke were enough to make sure he grew up happy, well-adjusted, and kind.

The Uchiha Massacre never happened, because the Uchiha Coup never happened. It was one thing to think that a significant number of able-bodied and highly-skilled Ninja could take Danzo, the Third Hokage, whatever ANBU guards that weren't bribed, assassinated or poisoned ahead of time, and possibly also whoever else was on the Ninja Council and Civilian Council that didn't love and welcome their new Uchiha overlords. But for those Uchiha to go up against The Fourth Hokage, his wife Kushina and the Nine-Tails within her, Kakashi and his friends, and any of the many people within his village who loved, respected or revered the guy, and the entirety of the Village's armed forces? A pipe dream at best, even if they forced everyone to upgrade their Sharingan to their highest levels. Also, when people figured out that the "Steal the eyes of another Uchiha" thing also worked if you just traded them with said Uchiha, those super-eyes got a lot more common, and Konoha's military became EVEN MORE disproportionately powerful. Obito, Itachi, and Shisui(Who didn't die, because there was no coup) worked to ensure that the Uchiha's grievances were peacefully aired to the Hokage, who took steps to fix them, because nobody truly wanted a war that would leave one side worse off and the other side crushed. Konoha's new incredible military strength, along with everything it gained as 'Tribute' from Iwa, ensured that the other villages decided they'd be better off allying themselves with The Leaf.

And when Jiraiya found Pein, The Leaf was happy to help out his village. Danzo suggested that they bring back the Clan Restoration Act and get some Rinnegan-bearing kids into Konoha as payment, but Konan ensured that he refused. Even though Jiraiya pointed out that having a harem would be cool. In any case, with Konoha's future secured, Danzo was happy... though happy was a bit of a strong word. He was satisfied, even though he knew he could totally make Konoha's future even more secure if he had to. Fortunately, he never did. And when he had ROOT steal a genetic sample from Pein and clone her into a daughter of his own with Orochimaru's help(He traded a degree of legitimacy for a degree of restraint, and his Sound Village was one of Konoha's best allies. The alternative was having everything he worked towards burned away in an instant, what would you choose?), Danzo found that he liked having a daughter, even though he kinda sucked at being a Dad. That was milked for a great deal of angst points. ...Just kidding, she didn't care, and he only messed up in the cute 'Bumbling Dad' way.

Anyway, Konoha was in power over the rest of the world, everyone was happy, everything went well for everyone, and with no real conflict left, this fanfic only had two options: Either introduce a strawman civilian character who argues that Ninja have too much power and their tyranny should be ended so the farmers and merchants may live in peace... or carry on with a boring conflict-less world for 700 chapters, possibly making the whole thing into a NaruHina RomCom. Even though things turning out how they did is a pretty big part of their characters.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Meanwhile, somewhere in a dark underground cave, right next to a grow-your-own-hokage tree...

A bitter, old, and insane Madara Uchiha crushed the glass of... something in his hands, and screamed out to the heavens. "FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

And everyone who mattered lived happily ever after.


	2. I'm a What?

It was obvious, in retrospect.

Tell the boy about his heritage from the start, pick two of the sanest ANBU agents to adopt him as mother and father, and put him through an advanced training program that let him bypass the academy entirely. Kids hated him, but that didn't matter. The boy simply wouldn't have to deal with those kids any more, or the idiotic civilians. Yes, it was a shame that the kid would never know the joy of friendship in school, but life held many joys greater than that one, and he'd never really know that aforementioned joy anyway with his status.

Naruto Namikaze quickly became the greatest Genin in Konoha, able to defeat the rest of the Rookie Eleven at once. Without breaking a sweat. His power was incredible, and so was his ego. He was everything the fourth Hokage didn't want him to be.

He didn't even have to do missions with a group, he was almost immediately promoted to ANBU, kicking Itachi Uchiha's record in the crotch hard enough to make its head explode, its special eyes flying through the air and towards the hands of Naruto- Just kidding, he's too OP to get implanted Sharingan on top of everything else. And so, a brilliant and incredibly powerful Naruto spent his formative years hunting down Missing-Nin, capturing them alive most of the time but unrepentantly slaughtering them when that wasn't an option, and generally being an incredible badass. All sense of challenge or interestingness was lost when he began to fight the entire Akatsuki, slaying them all like they were flies. Finally, Konoha reigned supreme over the world, and the other villages did not like that. They also didn't like how Naruto's entire identity was based on said horrifying demon fox, and how he genuinely became friends with such a monstrous being, even going so far as to incorporate its appearance into his outfit. And not in a subtle manner, but with a freaking forehead protector with the Kanji for 'Demon' on it! Everyone tossed all they had into a last-ditch war against Konoha. Civilians were armed with pitchforks and wooden spears and told only that the pointy end goes into the enemy. Naruto used his Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu to become an army, and by the end of it all, Konoha and Naruto Namikaze, the Fifth Hokage, were the only ones left standing in a world that could best be summed up as a smoking crater.

Fortunately, everyone important enough to have a name had defected when they met Naruto and accepted that he was Super Ninja Jesus, and Konoha was in the right simply because he was in it. Also, Jiraiya survived. And ended up with Tsunade. Who joined Naruto's harem, which he only had due to Jinchuriki pheromones, which were apparently a thing, even though the other Jinchuriki didn't seem to have them.

And all of this happened before the first timeskip.

Somewhere in a cave...

"Meh, I'll take it." Madara shrugged. Most of the world was destroyed. Still... Konoha was standing. And he didn't like that.

Madara went out to fight Naruto, and an epic one-on-one duel began.

Madara got his ass handed to him, because the author hates Sasuke for a stupid reason and, by extension, all Uchiha that aren't named Itachi.

And all was only sorta well in the world. But it'd do. I guess.


	3. Naruto is stolen! Grimderp intensifies!

It was even more obvious in retrospect.

Naruto Uzumaki, on the day he was supposed to graduate from the Academy, was instead kidnapped by Obito Uchiha, and never seen again.

The Masked Obito did his thing, telling Naruto everything and sending him spiralling into the deep end. You are the nine-tailed fox, you were used by your father like a shot glass to contain the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the Nine-Tailed Fox, even though you were just a baby born barely an hour ago, the village hates and fears you and wants you to die on a mission, the academy teachers intentionally sabotaged your training out of malice, all that stuff. And with no Iruka there to refute his claims or reveal that he always loved him, Naruto cracked.

Naruto Uzumaki, or as he began calling himself once he realised he didn't want to be Naruto any more, Yagami Uchiha, was instructed by Obito and Madara in the ways of Ninjutsu, Taijutsu, and Forbidden Jutsu. Nobody cares about Genjutsu, ever, so it was ignored completely, apart from a basic Genjutsu Kai and a metric Guyton* of generic horror shock-value grotesque blood-everywhere demon-murder Genjutsu that would only succeed in shocking lowly enemy redshirts and a ten year old girl who fears blood and only clicked on this story because it said NaruHina in the description, and she was really hoping 'Badass!Naruto, NaruHina and NaruHarem in later chapters' meant that Naruto would be a badass hero like Batman, and sweep Hinata off her feet like a badass awesome hero while he whisked her away from her mean horrible family to be loved forever. When she read all eighty chapters of this story in the hopes that things will get better even though they never did, she cried and her parents permanently blocked , so she went on DeviantArt instead the next week and was never the same again.

*One Guyton was the amount of weight Might Guy could lift. If the generic names of every Genjutsu Yagami Uchiha knew were written down on pieces of paper, Might Guy would only just be able to lift the absurdly high stack of paper. It was often wondered why he even bothered to learn so many Jutsus that wouldn't fit into his fighting style at all. It was almost as if he was a character for one of the Naruto Fanon Wikis/Fan Wikis, and having over fifty Jutsus you'd never actually use was considered cool, like throwing GIFs and sound effects onto a Youtube MLG video.

In any case, Naruto thought his change into Yagami Uchiha would be merely symbolic, a new outfit and name being sufficient. Maybe a customised nameplate in kanji to replace his old Leaf headband. Heh, was he new here? Madara Uchiha's tree thing transformed his body, permanently, as did the Kyuubi inside him. He was transformed from an adorable and kinda bratty but well-intentioned wannabe-hero into a dark badass generic guy. A black outfit with a black shirt and black leather pants, the body of an eighteen-year old swimmer or boxer or something despite having strength that would make a bodybuilder and post-timeskip Sakura weep in unison, hair changing to crimson like his mother's so the author has an excuse to use that god-awful black and red combo even though black and red really don't go together at all and Blackjack is the only fictional character in all of history to ever truly pull it off, and a psychotically hardcore Kyuubi mode that would look right at home on a Death Metal album cover, or as a character in a Spore playthrough. But not just any Death Metal album cover... The kind of Death Metal album cover where you're not even sure if the guys are taking this seriously or not, where the intense megasuperevildeviledgy intensity of it all makes it all about as scary as Skeletor from the old He-Man cartoon, and the jagged bone spikes and blood squirted from built-in water pistols just end up looking ridiculous.

Anyway, Yagami Uchiha thought he looked scary and evil enough... and then Madara gave him his eyes. They grew back, they both had Madara's eyes because, you know... Edo Tensei. Which Naruto figured out how to use after he arrived in Konoha and conquered it, Ino and every other female Ninja in Konoha joined his harem for no real reason besides "This badass has a hot body pheromone powers too, which make up for his lack of charm and inability to be kind to chicks", and then he fought Orochimaru and Kabuto, killing them both and using the mind-reading Jutsu Ino taught him for no real reason to steal all their Jutsu. This meant he could use Edo Tensei at will, even though he didn't really need to any more, since he was strong enough to defeat Cell and Buu and even Beerus at the same time, and so he could easily take on every Naruto character in the show besides him, without needing to summon a zombie ninja army that should have been way cooler than it turned out to be. Heck, he could probably even beat the real him, and Menma, and other Menma, the amnesiac one, and literally every creature, person, concept and monster in the show without breaking a sweat.

Anyway, Yagami Uchiha turned on Konoha, conquered it, and then conquered the rest of the world, and then killed Madara even though he was like a father to him now in a weird sort of way. That is how evil Yagami had become. And so, the bad guy won, every guy was dead and every girl besides Sakura was in his harem, (nobody liked Sakura), and that was the end of that. Every guy is dead, Yagami wins and either begins a rein of terror or selects a smart civilian to be his puppet king and secretary, handling all the boring day to day crap while Yagami endlessly wanders the world searching for a challenge, when he's not having fun in the house where his whole harem lives and does nothing else with their lives. And that's how the world ends. And knowing how these stories go, he'd probably also be immortal, so they couldn't even wait him out and try to outlast him. No, the whole world would be subject to the whims of a bored brat who things angst and violence equals badassness forever.

Wow, what a boring story. Why on earth would anybody want to read something like that? Actually... maybe if I made the fight scenes awesome instead of one-sided jobfests, added some likability to Yagami, made the story focus on Naruto/Yagami's internal struggle instead of how eeeevil his powers were, and had his first attempt at using Edo Tensei result in bringing back to life an adorable little girl... Who turns out to be a badass ninja, while still being adorable, and she refers to Naruto/Yagami as her "New Daddy", adding some much-needed sweetness and lightness to this dark doomfest that would otherwise taste about as well as lemon juice and ground coffee powder mixed with rock salt. Also, I could put in some "Does this mean I have two dads now?" jokes regarding Obito and Madara adopting Naruto. Only the good ones, because there's nothing wrong with having two dads. Also, to add in some more much-needed humour into this darkfest, I'll have moody teenager jokes made about Naruto's new form. Maybe some shots fired at the edgy grimderp crowd? Also, Rock Lee joins Naruto, possibly after being hit with an evil-inator Jutsu, and is granted the ability to use Jutsus, but he becomes so over-the-top that he'd make Mr Torgue blush. And because he's not really evil at all, his attempts to be scary become hilariously hammy. ...Yeah, I could definitely salvage this.

Sorry, where was I?

Oh, right.

As Yagami Uchiha renamed himself Yagami Uzumaki, and grew badass red wings using Chouji Akimichi's Jutsu, and prepared to deal the final blow against Madara Uchiha and his unofficially-adopted daughter began to prepare the modified sealing Jutsu that would seal away Madara in Ninja hell for all eternity, the eldest Uchiha's final words were also his last scream, all that was heard when Naruto brought down the sword he stole from Zabuza onto his head and the new world of darkness finally faded to black.

"FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU..."


	4. Chapter 4

It was obvious, in retrospect.

Tell the boy about his heritage from the start, pick two of the sanest ANBU agents to adopt him as mother and father, and put him through an advanced training program that let him bypass the academy entirely. Kids hated him, but that didn't matter. The boy simply wouldn't have to deal with those kids any more, or the idiotic civilians. Yes, it was a shame that the kid would never know the joy of friendship in school, but life held many joys greater than that one, and he'd never really know that aforementioned joy anyway with his status.

Naruto Namikaze quickly became the greatest Genin in Konoha, able to defeat the rest of the Rookie Eleven at once. Without breaking a sweat. His power was incredible, and though he developed an ego, his new parents helped to raise him as a kind, responsible person.

He was still immediately promoted to ANBU, kicking Itachi Uchiha's record in the crotch hard enough to make its head explode, its special eyes flying through the air and towards the hands of Naruto- Just kidding, he's too OP to get implanted Sharingan on top of everything else. However, his new parents did demand that he'd also spend equal amounts of time with a Genin team, learning teamwork and all that was wonderful about friendship. And so, a brilliant and incredibly powerful Naruto spent his formative years hunting down Missing-Nin, capturing them alive most of the time but unrepentantly slaughtering them when that wasn't an option, using Shadow Clones to stroll through boring D-Rank missions, faking friendship with his weaker teammates Hinata and Sasuke to make his parents happy (Though this soon turned to real friendship) and generally being an incredible badass. When the entire Akatsuki attacked, Naruto and his friends fought, and it was epic. Soon, Konoha reigned supreme over the world, and the other villages did not like that. A war broke out, but Naruto's Friendship Jutsu and Talk no Jutsu converted large groups of enemies to his side at once, his Shadow Clone Jutsu meant multiple Narutos could be all over the battlefield, and everyone on the enemy side could be saved.

Everyone important enough to have a name had defected when they met Naruto and accepted that he was Super Ninja Jesus, and Konoha was in the right simply because he was in it. Also, Jiraiya survived. And ended up with Tsunade.

And all of this happened before the first timeskip.

Somewhere in a cave...

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-" was the sound Madara made as he saw the state of the world outside.

Madara went out to fight Naruto, and an epic one-on-many duel began.

Madara got his ass handed to him, because OP super-reflexes only go so far when you're dealing with a Naruto that actually knows how to use Genjutsu.

And all was only sorta well in the world. But it'd do. I guess.


End file.
